It all started a little over a year ago, even if I didn’t know it.
Let me explain. Last March I went to a fertility specialist. I was single at the time. (Okay, let’s be realistic..I’ve been single the entire time.) And after 27 years of hoping someone would come around (preferably Dwayne Johnson…), seeing everyone I know have babies/getting married, and being bitter about it…I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Obviously things weren’t happening for me like they were supposed to. I wanted kids, a husband – all of it, but I hadn’t even been able to keep a boyfriend for longer than a few months. I felt lost and unsure of everything so I thought about what the most important things that I wanted for my life were and went to see a fertility specialist. The first appointment was just me and the doctor. We talked about why I was there and made a plan of action. For me it was simple, there were no reasons to believe I had a fertility problem. I was just a single person trying to have a baby, so all I had to do was the basic labs, an OPK (ovulation prediction kit), and order donor sperm. And I got as far as doing the OPK and lab work before I completely talked myself out of it. I had a million excuses not to go through with it, but in the end I was just scared. So I blew all my savings and tried to find meaning in my life elsewhere.
Jump to a year later and I’m back in the fertility specialist’s office. To be honest I’m not entirely sure why I picked up the phone and made that appointment. Throughout the year I thought about going back a few times, but I never actually did it. After sitting in the waiting room and enjoying a nice conversation with another patient reading what looked like some weird self-help book I heard my name called and headed on my way to the doctor’s office. The appointment started off like any other one would; a little small talk, basic health questions, me half listening. Same old, same old – until she started the sentence that would change my life forever: “So I went over your labs…” Although this sentence is embedded into my brain now, it didn’t really click at the time. I had my labs done a long time ago, surely if there was something wrong with them they would have told me then, right?
“everything is fine”
“Your AMH was a little low. We like it to be at a 1, yours was a .5” The doctor then proceeded to explain that having a low AMH just meant I was going through my eggs faster than expected and that there was no reason to change any part of the plan. We would do three unmedicated IUIs and then if those didn’t take we’d try medicated, again, no big deal..but I just had this weird feeling I couldn’t shake. So, when I got home I started googling…and the more I did that, the more I freaked out. There were people online worried out about having a 1.9 AMH that were older than me and mine was a .5. To keep myself some-what sane I made an appointment at my regular OBGYN for a second opinion. He ordered the day 3 lab work and AMH test and I waited. And by waited I mean refreshing my lab work screen (my doctor’s office allows me to access my records online) every 3 minutes for the next two weeks…until the results were up. My FSH was 14.4 and my AMH was .22. That means that within a year my AMH dropped .28 points and my FSH went from being normal to peri-menopausal, a transition that usually doesn’t happen until you are in your 40s. Up until this point I was okay. My FSH was okay which meant my egg quality was okay and everything was going to be okay. And I tried with all my might to hold on to that. With my egg quality and all my hope now flushed down the toilet I took to the internet again, this time looking for some shred of comfort. I looked up blogs, documentaries, books – you name it, but none of them seemed to really resonate with me. Everything I could find was either about people with way better levels and odds than me or couples. Not one of them seemed to fit me. I tried talking about it with one of my friends who went through some infertility issues years ago, but even she had different circumstances and now has 2 children and she just didn’t get it. It felt like I had no one and that is something I hope no one else ever has to feel. So that is where I am. Still brand new in infertility land trying to guide myself through and hopefully make it out in one piece. I have an appointment coming up in two days to discuss the next steps with my OBGYN – so until then…